Shock

I'm not the kind of person who shocks easily, but sometimes, when reality strikes in the harshest way possible, it doesn't hurt, it goes beyond that. It's like being taken out of time and space, as all of a sudden, nothing else matters.

These past few weeks, a lot has been going on in my life. My situation has changed and I'm suddenly faced with lots of options and chances. Things I need to do, not because the planet depends on it or anything, but because I'm still young, a set of circumstances I've been thrown into have provided me with these options and chances and I might not get another chance to take them. To say I have given this situation a lot of thought over the last few weeks is putting it mildly. It's all I've been thinking about. Until these last few days.

This weekend, I found out that an in-law has become very ill and basically, they only have a matter of days left. I won't say what is wrong with them, but to a degree, we all knew it was a high possibility it would come to this. Truth be told, I don't personally know him all that well. Last time I saw him was 7 years ago at my youngest Nephew's funeral and it's more than likely that was one of the last times he properly left his house. He's a nice man. He doesn't judge. He's happy. And he's dying. I know we all do eventually, but it still isn't easy to accept. We all know that. It still hurts as soon as a time scale is involved and of course, even when there isn't, when there's no warning, it hurts. It shocks.

Then, I learned that one of the nicest people I'm fortunate enough to know has had the most devastating news this weekend. After months... years of bad news, they got the worst possible news this weekend. One of the nicest, kind, funniest people I know has only months left to live. I can't begin to imagine how they're feeling. I'm not even sure they know. I've not had chance to talk to them about it. I will, once they've had private time with family, but even then I'm not sure what I'll say. Don't get me wrong, nobody knows what to say. All I do know, is that my heart is breaking for them and their family.

Life can be so fucking cruel sometimes.

There, I've said it. We've all had reason to think that sometimes. I'm not sure if there's anything else I can add to this post. It's going to take a long time to sink in, but right now as I write this, it's approaching 5.30 am and it's all that's on my mind. In saying that, I still have options, chances and things to plan, so I'm going to have to put all of this to the back of my mind at some point today and I know I'll feel bad for doing it, even though I know my friend would be telling me that's exactly what I should do if I was saying this to them. If they read this and work it all out that I'm talking about them, that's what they will say. They're right. Yes, I will feel bad getting on with things later today, but I'll do it.

For them and for myself.

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I gave myself some time to consider if I should post this. I don't know why...